Act I: Dedma

Someone’s quote for the day was this one, “But some emotions don’t make a lot of noise. It’s hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint-like a heartbeat. And pure love, why, some day’s it’s so quiet. You don’t even know it’s there”

And the one written on my post card is my answer to that quote.

Why?

I have perfected that act, to play “dedma”. I hear nothing and I see nothing, pretending that nothing exists even if they are. Like as if nothing happens. Most of the time, even if I know and felt that there is something I just ignore it. For me to notice something you have to say it loud for me to hear it well, if you’ll just stay quiet I won’t know.

Same as to working in a lab, where there is no separate receiving room for patients. Patients will disturb and asks me even if they see that I am doing microscopy work. They can’t even wait for a minute or two. They don’t seem to know that I am concentrating. That’s why even if I hear them I just ignore it. Maghintay na lang for their turn and I’ll give my full attention.

I did not even change my cell phone number for years; most people change their numbers frequently. SIM cards are quite cheap that anyone can afford it. But I do not, like what is said here I am good at ignoring people.

But the truth is I notice every single detail. Sinasadya ko lang na huwag pansinin. My eyes notice every dot, every change in color. My hands can feel veins even if they are not that visible. My heart knows even if you won’t tell me. I can even forecast that everything will be all right someday. I am that gifted. I just hope that someday you’ll know it too.

Sunrise and Sunsets

Blurry Red Sunset at Dasol Bay by JynMelgar

Sunrise by Karen Peterson

 

 





February 22, 2012

May mga pangyayari na parang nauulit lang. Maging ang mga emosyon at mga pinagdadaanan. Sinulat ko ito 7 taon na ang nakakalipas, hindi ko inakalang mauulit muli. Ako ulit ang bida, pero ibang mga character na ang aking nakasama. Sa totoo lang, mula noon, wala pa rin talaga akong nakasama sa panonood ng takipsilim. Siguro hindi ko pa nga talaga nakilala ang taong binabanggit ko na makakasama sa  habang buhay. Inakala ko lang na iyon na, hindi pa pala. Masyado lang akong nagmamarunong. Tuloy, masyado akong umasa at nasaktan. Nakalimutan ko nga sa haba ng panahon ang pagsusulat, dahil inakala ko na natagpuan ko ang matagal ko nang hinahanap. Sa haba ng panahon, unti lang ang mga ala-ala, pati mga pictures unti lang rin. Nakakalimutan nga rin, totoo marahil, na ang gamot sa pusong sugatan ay puso rin.

 

SUNSETS feb. 24, 2005

 

Sunset, sa tagalog dapithapon.

Scene 1:   Nakatayo ako sa veranda ng isang mataas na gusali. Natatanaw ko ang Manila Bay sa dako roon. Ibinulong mo sa akin. Hintayin mo ako at panoorin natin ang pamosong dapithapon sa Manila Bay. Naghintay ako, umalis ako sa may veranda. Naghintay ako na at di ko na tinignan ang oras. Hindi ko pinansin na tumatakbo ang bawat sandali. Hanggang dumating ka, at sinabi mong, "Halika at panoorin na natin ang paglubog ng araw".

            Ngunit huli na, lumubog na ang araw. Pareho nating di nasaliyan ang araw araw na pangitain na sa karamihan ay simpleng bagay na lamang. Oo nga, ordinaryo na lamang iyon, umiinog ang mundo, sunset's are usual occurrence. But one thing is, iyon lang ang pagkakataon na magkasama tayong mag-appreciate sa kalawakang nilikha ng Maykapal.

 

Scene 2: Sunset ulit, this time nasa beach ako. Nag-iisa, nangangarap na sana kasama kita sa oras na iyon. Ngayon ayaw ko nang palampasin ang pagkakataon na maski sa picture man lamang eh mapagkit sa aking isipan ang magandang paglubog ng araw. Ang lungkot kasi wala ka. Sabi ko sa aking sarili, darating din ang araw na makakasama din kita.

 

Sa hinaharap: Nawala ka sa buhay ko, pero ang dapithapon nandyan pa rin. Patuloy iinog ang mundo. Umiyak man ako, walang nakakaalam. Walang nakakakita, marahil hindi mo malalaman. Masakit man pero patuloy ang buhay.

Balang araw may isang magmamahal at mamahalin ko na makakasama sa bawat dapithapon. Hindi lang sa dapithapon, kundi sa bawat bukang liwayway, at sa bawat segundo ng aking buhay.  Patuloy akong aasa na balang araw makilala ko ang taong ito. Salamat sa dapithapon, pagkat sa pagsapit ng dilim, magbibigay ng liwanag di lang ang mga bituin kundi ang buwan. Mahaba man ang gabi, tama lang iyon para maipahinga ang pagal na kaisipan at katawan. Darating din ang bagong umaga.



 

 

An Oasis in the Desert

After a very long journey in the hot and humid desert, I’ve finally found an oasis. I’ll rest a bit my weary bones, enjoy the refreshing water before I’ll go and finish my journey.

I see him just like an oasis, a shelter. He may not be a specialist, a diplomate or a fellow, but he had made the impossible, fixing my broken heart. Something that I thought will happen in a period of a year or 2 years time. My sister told me, to quickly fix my brokenness, move fast, and meet people and date, since I am not really getting any younger. Time is critical. Outside I may look fresh from college, but my ova are quite old. LOL

I actually noticed him last May,liking my wall posts. But I just ignored it; I was even asking myself if we met in college. Something that I can’t remember until now, If I even said “Hi” to him when we we’re undergrads. I am really like that, when my focus is on one thing I ignore other things that blocks my way. It is one of my very irritating traits. Or I may just be loyal or too goal oriented.

But last December I finally had a glimpse of him since his facebook page is active. Amusing wall posts, a comic relief. It’s really nice to see someone, who is very much bored with his work could find time to amuse people. And then just before January ends, he made this stupid post on his wall, advertising that he’s online and wants to chat. Bored like him, I talked to him through FB chat.

And from that moment on, we’ve been friends. It’s nice to talk with a batch mate in college, almost the same interest, and queer though that at our age we are both single. At this age where most of our colleagues and other batch mates have kids; and even some are on their second marriages.

For now, I see him as an oasis, a shelter, a refuge. It’s okay if he won’t stay for a very long while; I want to say thanks because for a short period of time, He had brought my senses back and made me see life on the other perspective.

Now I agree to what Joshua Harris wrote on his book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, which he says, “To girls reading this book, a reminder to keep your standards high. Require all things that are grand and true. As you consider the possibility of marriage, don’t lower your standards for a moment; any guy who asks you to do so isn’t worth your time.”

I believe God has the best plans for me. He’ll never let down His church organist.

The Three Musketeers

We had Program Implementation Review and Year-end evaluation in SBMA. Together with our Physician and Pharmacist from OSC, we presented the Malaria Status of our town. I am the coordinator for the said program thus I am the one who did all the reports and presented it to the Regional and Provincial Coordinator. One of the big differences of working in a hospital from Rural Health Centers are collating data and presenting a report.

I am really expecting that our physician would help me add more inputs, but what I have observed from other RHUs who had a male boss, most of the reporting and planning are done either by the Nurse, Med. Tech. or the midwife. Good thing our MHO is female, thus most of the time she does all the reporting and planning.

We travelled through the private car of our physician. Our dentist also went with us. Our doctor is our driver and our baggage boy. Good thing, he doesn’t complain, maybe he’s afraid of Ate Jean. One thing I observed though, from his car stereo, one song that keeps on repeating, I really wonder if the Audio CD is defective. The song is “Marry Me”, originally sung by Bruno Mars, but the version he has is some sort of a cappella and acoustic version.

Hearing it many times, I almost told him, “Okay I marry you”, hahaha! I really felt there is something wrong. He is not concentrating with the Seminar/Workshop and he’s not helping me with the planning. He made notes for the planning but he did not give it to me. I consider him as a younger brother, thus it’s really weird to see him act strangely. All I know is he has set his wedding on July.

Or maybe, all are depressed because few days from now it’s Valentines’ Day. I admit, even me had undergone depression for the past few weeks. This year, for the first time after more than 4 years, I am single. My drama since the first day of February is, “Wala man lang akong masabihan ng Happy Valentines’ Day, I love you!”

So I call our group, the 3 musketeers, one lost her groom (me), one is soon to be groom (the doc) and one who’s thinking to be a nun (the pharmacist) . But with our minds always drifting somewhere we still had done our job well.

~ February 09, 2012 @ Buena Casa Hosteria, SBMA

Maskara

Minsan iniisip ko, bakit kailangan pa nating itago kung ano at sino tayo sa isang maskara. Hindi ba pwedeng maging totoo na lang? Hindi lang sa iyong sarili kundi pati na rin sa ibang tao?

Ang maskara, maitago man ang kaanyuan, lalabas din kung ano ang tunay na pagkatao. Dahil ang bulok, pabanguhan man ng isang tambak na pabango, aalingasaw pa rin ang baho.Malalim ba ang nararating ng aking kaisipan? Marahil nga?Sapagkat sa mundong ito, hindi natin mapagkakasya sa isang talata, o minsan pa nga sa isang libro ang tunay nating pagkatao. Patuloy kasi tayong binabago ng panahon, minsan sa isang kisap mata ang kinalakhan nating ugali ay napapalitan. Wika nga sa salitang Inglis "the only constant thing in this world is change".

Tulad ng pagkakaibigan. Makikilala lamang kung sino ang totoo sa pagtagal ng panahon. Ang kaibigan na di ka kayang iwanan kahit kalimitan naalala mo lamang sa mga oras ng kalungkutan. Kaibigan na kaya kang mahalin kahit di ka perperkto, kaya kunsitihin pati kalokohan mo. Ang pagsasamahang totoo wika nga nila’y tulad ng isang alak, habang tumatagal lalong sumasarap.Kaya kang mahalin at kilalanin kahit natatabingan pa ng isang maskara.

Paminsan minsan, ang maskara ito hindi man nakikita,nararamdaman na lamang. Maaring isa rin ako sa karamihan na nagsusuot nito,hindi ko iyon maikakaila, pero sana kahit alisin ko ang aking maskara matutuhan pa ring tanggapin na tunay ang pagkakaibigan at pagmamahal na kaya kong ibigay..


jean December 10, 2004

Blinks

Darkness engulfs me
My eyes are searching for light
Until I saw one
Blink it goes
It appears
Then, suddenly it's gone
But it's back again
Maybe just a signal light
To show the world
That there's existence
On the darkness
Of the night
But I don't like a blink
That comes and goes
I wish for a star
That stays
Be it day or night
Can you be
Not just this blink
But my shining star?
To stay forever lighted
And bring
Love and joy in my life….

Heart of Mine

I can’t think of a working title so I just borrowed a title of a song. And since it’s February, it’s right and apt that I’ll write about my long lost heart.

This blog had changed since September of 2011, because of my stupidity I had deleted all the previous entries here. Sometimes when you’re confused you tend to blame anything and anyone who comes your way. And that month I was very depressed, angry and hurt.

My ex-fiancé whom I loved so much broke up with me, with reasons that until now I don’t understand. I was very confused, who would not be, right? After a very long engagement, he is not yet sure of himself. And these happened on my birth month, I tell you my 34th birthday was my saddest birthday.

But then it’s been 5 months. I always tell, that time heals all wounds. And though many times I got hurt of loving and losing someone, it can never stop me from loving and trusting again. I am a scientist right? And scientists never ever give up. If they do, they cannot invent and discover things that are important in our lives. Enough for the crying and holding on, It’s already February and the time has come for me to move on.

Figuratively and literally, someone stole my heart. Boarded Saudia Airlines, arrived at KSA and throw my heart either in the sewer or maybe somewhere in the hot and humid desert. I wish someone would bring it back to me, He could have found it on the Red Sea or maybe the current had already brought it somewhere in Arabian Sea. If it can’t be found, well I guess I need a new heart. Or he could just share his heart to me, and teach me how to love, trust and hope again.

Loving is never easy. These experiences had taught me what I really wanted. God knows what it is. And I believe that He will grant it to me one of these days. I’ll wait. It’s His will anyway, not mine.

I visioned my ex fiancé then as a superhero. Blame my heart for seeing him that way, too much reading of fairy tale books when I was a kid. I won’t remove that entry, I’ll leave it here. This is my secluded spot. Only those who know the way getting here may read about these. This is who I am, flawed but still worth loving. I know someone will come. I hope it will be soon.